My wife died about 21 months ago. We knew a lot of people and had regular interactions with many people. Obviously my wife was the networker between the two of us, and I was much more reserved at least at that time. Nearly everyone vanished from my life. I called people for 3 1/2 days and told them what happened. only a few people made an effort to support me. Then like a year and a half later then people start to contact me, like what am I supposed to say to them? I tried calling 2-3 people who vanished, and those were very awkward phone conversations. I could care less about all the excuses, and I know people don't know what to say or whatever. That means nothing. In my hour of need they were gone, and I dont' think well of them. period. I'm sure I have to forgive people, but do I even want to contact them? I don't know. What am I supposed to say? Some of these people didn't even send me a card.. nothing. not a word.
I don't see how they are friends..
People who vanished after my wife's death?
After my husband died I went through the same thing. All these people were like we are here for you if you need anything let us know and when I did, they acted like I was bothering them. Then some people decided they were all of the sudden going to tell me how to raise my kids and wanted to know how much money I had, I could not believe how upset I was that all people wanted to know was about money, I was sick, it was crazy. My husbands family totally dissed us, I'm not surprised because they were hoping it get some money. What money was there, we lived from pay day to pay day. Since he passed away they never call to check in on the kids are anything. But they are the first to tell me what a terrible person I was and how I did not do enough for him and they were never here and when they did show while he was very ill all they wanted to do was have a party and mess up my house and drink and smoke, un freaking believable. . After I totally devoted myself to his care 24/7 and never left his side because that is what you do when you love someone. It does amaze me how people just split. They are like later. To me they were never friends or family to begin with.
Reply:While this doesn't excuse their actions (or in-actions), perhaps it was simply too painful for them? I realize your pain far exceeded their own, but some people just don't have the stomach for what life brings.
**edit: geez why the thumbs down? I promise I am not saying that you should welcome these people back with open arms or that they were/are wonderful friends. However, I'm *also* not saying that you should shun them or that they are evil, heartless jerks.
What I *am* saying is that they are just human, as are you. They dealt with their pain the way they felt was best, and now you must deal with their "friendship" the way *you* feel is best.
Reply:Sorry for your loss. Just one good friend is hard to find. You've really seen these individual's true colors. Obviously when you really needed to talk to them, they weren't there for you. I hope they're not blaming you for anything. People are so weird %26amp; untrustworthy. Some love to gossip %26amp; tell lies about you. They live for that! A compassionate good quality person is very hard to find these days. You sound like you're one. Don't let those nasty self centered people get you down! You get yourself out there. Join a club, take a class go to concerts, plays, etc. There's someone waiting to meet you.
Reply:They're not true friends. The ones that kept in contact; try to stay friends. The others, you don't need them in your life. Make some new friends.
Reply:Obviously they are not true friends. Stop contacting them.
Reply:You are right in a way. You were dumped when your wife died. Is it a shame that that happened, absolutely. Now ...you can whine about it, or make new friends. People are rude, plus you said it yourself, your wife 'networked', you chose to be more reserved. Well, you may have 'reserved' yourself right out of friendships. Try making new friends instead of networking them, forget and forgive the old ones. Move on and live better and you do have our sympathies for your loss.
Reply:first, I'm very sorry to hear about your wife, I was amazed too when my dad died, some people that I considered friends never made any contact and then maybe a year later when running into them they would say, oh I've been meaning to call or I wanted to send you a card...what was I going to say at that point? sorry you couldn't take a minute out of your day to acknowledge my grief??? .I do not go out of my way to pursue these people as friends. Your true friends hopefully supported you.
Reply:Other posters are right. They weren't your friends. They weren't even your wife's friends. Even if they were, they are too lazy to make the social connections. Your poor wife probably did all the work.
Forget them. Go make your own group of friends. Stay close to your family as well during this difficult time.
Reply:I would like to offer my condolences as well. I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse but my mother did die about 2 1/2 years ago and I know it's very hard to not have people support you. This is the worst way to find out your true friends.
Other posters are right - some people just don't deal well with these sorts of situations. Some of them probably really did want to be supportive but they didn't know what to do for you. Maybe they'll come around, maybe they won't. If they do, it's entirely up to you if you want to maintain a friendship with these people. For those who didn't even offer condolences I wouldn't bother to re-establish a relationship.
I would definitely make an effort to stay in touch with those people who have been supportive. There's nothing like having a support group when you're grieving. This is also a hard thing for people to understand. They think that once someone has died and a little time has passed that you're "over it". Grief takes time. If your friends can't handle this then perhaps adding some new ones to the mix will help (this doesn't mean get rid of those who have been supportive, just create new relationships if you want).
Just remember, you don't owe anyone any sort of explanation. If you don't want to have a relationship of any sort with them just say that.
Reply:I know what u mean...dude tell em what u think. say what u need to say. tell them that when u needed them most they werent there so why would u want them now?...let it out and u will find urself sooo much more relaxed
Reply:Life's wierd, huh? I'm sorry about your wife. Sometimes people just get distant to the other part of the couple because they can't deal with the death. They're afraid it will eventually come up in conversation, which it would given more than a few minutes. I don't get it, but it happens.....
Reply:That's just how some people are. They have no sense of decency. I wouldn't even answer the phone.
I'm sorry to hear about your wife.
Reply:I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean that sincerely. I went through something similar but it can't be nearly as affecting because this was my best friend in college, not my spouse.
Looking back at that time, I think what happened is that people associated the two of us so strongly - we did everything together - that when we lost her people didn't know how to act around me. My pain made them feel uncomfortable. My house burned down just weeks after she died and yet none of my former friends did anything to help except for one who immediately opened up his home and let me crash on his couch until I could get my life together. He is still a good friend of mine to this day. The others? Honestly, I can't even remember their names anymore.
I remember the first fall I went back after she died, maybe 6 months later. I heard about a party that had happened after the fact, and it had been thrown by someone who had been especially close to me and the friend who had died. The person who was telling me about the party asked why I wasn't there. The reason was that no one told me about it in the first place.
I don't know if those people just didn't want me around because I reminded them of her, but I have never felt more shut out. I found new friends after that. I think you're right to be ambivalent about people coming out of the woodwork after a "safe" amount of time. A casual word now and then would be okay, but I wouldn't be fighting to get them back in my life, personally.
Reply:I'm so sorry for your loss. These people are unintentionally rude by avoiding you, just because they "don't know what to say". They may have avoided you because they are also feeling the loss and don't want to deal with it, so they disappear and go on with their own lives. People are full of excuses, that's the way it is. They offer excuses because they know they were unsupportive when you needed them to be there. Holding a grudge takes too much energy, so try to let it go. You can remain friends with the ones you actually enjoy being around and talking to. A card is the minimum, and they should have done, at least, that if they were your wife's friends too. Or you could forget all of them, and make new friends.
Reply:My condolences on the loss of your wife. I am sorry so many people failed to support you at the time of your loss. It is said that people feel awkward and don't know what to say. In my opinion, there is NO excuse to not say anything to support a friend in need. "I'm sorry for your loss" is always appropriate.
These people have proven themselves to be unworthy of your friendship by failing to be there for you at your time of need or to even stay in contact. That is not easy to forgive and I would not think well of them either. I would try to open yourself up to making new contacts and friends and just let the others fade away as they seem to have already done. They are no longer worth your effort to maintain.
Best of luck to you!
Reply:Dont' force yourself to trust or give anyone or better side if you don't feel they deserve it.
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