Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Why do some people hurt the ones who were once important to them?

This is something I dont understand about people. They make friends or people they consider friends and enter relationships so quickly but than end up getting hurt and seek revenge on the ones who they once held so dearly. Some bad argument or betrayal ruins any trust they might have had in each other. Of course betrayal cannot be taken lightly and destroyed trust cannot be restored therefore people lose the ones who held such high importance to them. Than as if this loss isnt enough suffering they go causing more sadness by attempting to hurt the other person. In situations between a boyfriend and girlfriend there have been cases where the girl didnt want him to be happy again so she tells a lie to another woman he wants to be with or the guy wanting to his ex to regret leaving him puts up a sex tape of the both of them on the internet. Another example is when friends take their separation to another level and try to make other people hate the friend they once had. Personally I find this to be pathetic and immoral. There's absolutely no need to spread the pain and it's even more pointless to involve other people into your quarrels. Revenge is something I would seek at the moment but it feels very difficult to keep a grudge so even if people do separate I dont think it's necessary to emit so much hatred and give way to more pain even after that person is no longer a part of your life. It's understandable to be angry and making the other person feel the same can perhaps be considered a defense technique but it's important to draw limits to your actions and even though you wont be able to forget the wrongs done to you it would help to have some hope of a future without the person you have already lost (of course this is one of the hardest things to do). If you were really close to someone than it would be fulfilling to try setting bad feelings aside and practice forgiveness. Some people we lose forever and by leaving things unresolved negative feelings are preserved. There will always be feelings of resentment toward the ones who have wronged you but if you go too far when it comes to causing damage you will most likely regret it sometime in the future. It's very common for people to rush into things but they dont seem to care enough for loyalty and simply just use others for their own gain. I'm sure all of us have our so called friends but it's very difficult to experience that bond with other people and if we handle our friendships and people close to us so carelessly than I wonder what will happen to us and whether we will ever stop losing the ones we cherish the most. Why are deep understandings so uncommon among our civilization?

Why do some people hurt the ones who were once important to them?
When a relationship goes bad there are a few choices.





You can feel it’s all your fault, wallow in self pity and just hide yourself away never to start another. That’s not a good idea.





So instead, you can feel it was all his fault, he’s a terrible person, a hateful person who doesn’t deserve to ever be happy. Now that feels better of course, now it wasn’t you who caused all the problems, it was him.





With that second choice there are choices too. If you’re the forgiving kind you simply take your knocks, forgive and move on. But on the other hand if you were raised in a culture and/or a family that believes in retribution then you will feel a burning need to seek vengeance because this guy has ruined your life, he’s wasted your time and he’s caused you a lot of pain that you feel you need to inflict in return. Of course if you take this route he’ll be hurt too, especially if you’re good at it, and he’ll try to hurt you back. Before long you have a full scale war on your hands.





There is another choice too, the hardest one of all. You can lick your wounds and try to cool down and then you can take a look at the relationship to try to understand what happened. You can ask the question “what really happened?” Then you can ask “How did I contribute to those problems?” And finally you can ask “How did he contribute to the problems?” The answers to those questions will help you understand the human dynamics that lea to the mess. Finally understanding that, you can ask one more question “What should I have done differently?” Finding that answer helps you to grow and form a more lasting meaningful relationship the next time.





The problem with that last choice is that it also demands accepting some fault. It demands a degree of maturity and wisdom to discover what really went wrong. It demands a lot of effort and introspection. Those are very hard things to do, certainly a lot harder than just blaming him or blaming yourself. And as human being we tend to try to follow the easy route rather than the hard one.





But you know, there are benefits to that last choice too. Once you understand you will sense such issues the next time and be prepared to deal with them in a kinder more effective manner. Understanding the whole situation you are able to let it all go and to forgive which in turn then allows you to remain friends with him. Understanding helps you to grow and become a better person.





But of course you can’t know those benefits if you’ve never tried to understand what actually happened or if you’re incapable at the moment of understanding. So you don’t have the motivation of those benefits.





So in the end a lot of people just prefer the route of vengeance because it exonerates them, and it makes them feel better briefly knowing that they’ve managed to inflict even more pain on the other partner.





Finally - Why are deep understandings so uncommon among our civilization? Because it is very hard for us to accept that we have done something wrong. It is very hard for us to understand what actually happened. It is very hard for us to simply accept that sometimes something was not meant to be. And because it takes us a long time to slowly gain the wisdom it takes to come to grips with those things to finally arrive at the point where they aren't really that hard any more.





I hope this helps you understand a little.
Reply:Because they don't have the capacity nor the conscience and never really cared in the first place. I think "deep understanding" %26amp; empathy are uncommon today because of overpopulation, consumerism, not raised right and without any consideration for fellow human beings and peer pressure. They had a hidden agenda (to further themselves) from the very beginning, all along. They want to climb that ladder but forget who they used to climb over.





It's also unforgivable, imo, for someone to betray another and get others to side with the traitor.
Reply:Simple, by hurting the one that they cared for, it makes it easier for them to pull away because now the person that they cared for hates them and does not want ot talk to them anymore! Humans are weird creatures!
Reply:Original sin is what causes this. It goes all the away back to Adam and Eve from which we inherited original sin.





God formed man in His image and man was perfect, but they disobeyed God so they were case out of Eden, Paradise. Now we live in sin. It is simple. Then Jesus came to deliver us from our sins, but we must accept Jesus as our personal Savior and be born again to become a new creation.





There is a devil and he is real. It is simple. No deep thought needed!
Reply:I would say it is unfinished business and lack of closure.


We generally act nicer with strangers because they do not mean much to us but once you become close to people and you know them. then you get unmeshed so to speak.


It is no excuse or hurting another person though.





If everybody was indifferent to everybody else; we would neither experience the joys nor the sadnesses which come with all intimate interractions. With indifference we would just all...do not care and forget.
Reply:I once had an obsessive crush on someone that never got anywhere because I coudn't see him for a year shortly after it developed. By the time he had reappeared in my life, I was developing a bond between me and someone else, and it bothers me every time I see the old person.





So I try to think awful thoughts of him (because I never hurt anyone, this is closest) so he can leave my mind alone. Is it working? I don't know.
Reply:Another long 1 'ere, eh? 1 question, what is this junk about putting up sex tapes on the Internet...? You really did not need to add that...





Anyways... When someone is betrayed or has his or her trust destroyed, or anything like that, emotions change. Those good feelings pull a complete 180 and turn into horrible feelings. And negative feelings are very strong yet do no need a lot to feed off of. The smallest supply will work just nicely. And so when these strong negative feeling arise, people usually don't know how to handle them. They act on their emotions without thinking because it's a bit hard to try and think logically, and sort everything out when something terrible, (such as being betrayed), has just happened. People act on impulses of their emotions. It's simply human nature, there's nothing anyone can do about it.





Setting limits and whatnot would require good thought. And things happen so fast, including the betrayal itself, there's no time to think about the later. Only the now. And as of right now, this person was just betrayed (in 1 form or another), and either his or her feelings are hurt or he or she is pissed. (Excuse my language.) In reality it can be both. The person is really saddened deep down, but the 1st and/or only emotion to show is anger. It happens to me a lot... After time though, when I've gotten out all my messed up emotions, then I don think about things and try to sort it out a bit. But I need to get myself under control 1st.





Should people think twice, act once? Yes, absolutely. Is that human nature though? No, not really. Could it be if we maybe tried a bit? I don't know... It might be possible. You must admit, at times when someone had done something hurtful or wrong to you, you wanted to seek revenge, or even did it. Remember how you felt at that/those time(s). You can't pass judgment like that unto others and trash them about it if you've been there yourself.





Look, I did some pretty bad things to my boyfriend, which in the end, cost me him... Do I regret it? With all my heart... Can I change my past? No. Will I learn from it and make sure I don't make the same mistake again? Absolutely. But there's nothing I can do about it now...
Reply:because people cant let go of things. also it is a control issue. If they arent happy they dont want the other person to be happy. they think their only way of controlling someone is to make them unhappy, then the person will be under their thumb. They want influence. they cant get it being nice people so they do that stuff.
Reply:i wanna read this but it's just tooo darn long.
Reply:Holy **** Boy, you said a whole lot. It's good to get it off your chest. First, people are people. They are interesting. Sometimes they are vague, bold, nosy, controlling, using. We can't change them. They are who they are. Regardless, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I am most happy to give my advice. (hbgbldr@yahoo.com). xoxoxo peace DJ

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