Monday, April 12, 2010

Do people not take enough responsibility for the people they choose to date and/or marry?

I just find it interesting how you find some people who claim that their girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses have cheated on them every time, or always been abusive, etc. I dated a number of people prior to my husband and was cheated on only once - and yes I am fairly sure about that.





Is it possible that people tend to seek out (or be sought out by) bad people? It just seems to me that people keep chosing the same kind of people over and over and over and then blaming all those people instead of evaluating whether or not they play a role in it.

Do people not take enough responsibility for the people they choose to date and/or marry?
Anyone can make a mistake. Just some have to make that mistake over and over again before they learn!





I think we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Some people have so many personal issues before entering into a relationship that they are a magnet to abusers and manipulators.
Reply:A person can keep dating a person who is cheating ,abusive and etc. It's a pattern in the life that draws them to the abusive person. Alot has to do with their past and they are trying to find something to fill that void. Some need excitement in the lives and others are feeling like they don't have a life. I went through alot of abusive and I broke free of that pattern and learned from the mistakes I created myself and I blamed my actions and his both as one. When you blame someone for your actions-Then you are hiding something deep down inside. That you need to work on. All the men I went out with before I truly found my right one for me.We're merely stepping stones to get where I needed to go. They built inside me a character to survive and beat alll the odds that was there.I stayed free for 4 years and worked on myself and I found peace and happiness. People who cheat and all. Have serious issues with their lives and they are not happy with what they got. And that's a sad way to live.
Reply:Well, I personally don't think that I have chose the same type of person to date over and over. The first was very goal oriented and I tended to come second to everything. The second put me before everything else. The third wanted his cake and eat it to. The fourth was special, we each did a lot of growing and learning who we were and hopefully use the experience to know who and what we wanted from then on. The fifth was too young and very good at putting up a front. This current one I think is perfect. He has all the qualities that none of the others had that I always wanted, but put aside as not that important.





I have always had a problem with seeing the potential in people that I found out had no intention of ever trying to see it through.





I don't think I always go after guys who are like my father. Mostly because the only things I know about him is that he wasn't man enough to raise his own kids and he cheated on my mom with teenage girls. Other than that, I know nothing about it, I've never met him. I do believe number 5 is like my father though. He hasn't had anything to do with his daughter either.
Reply:Only 1/2 the time. Rest is craziness.
Reply:No they don't. My daugther for one she just seem to always chose the bums of all bums. Again it is about your choices that you make in life. A person can only do what you allow them to do to you. You have the power to control the situation. You can lay in all that poop where it feels warm, but it sticky or you can chose to get up clean yourself off and move on.
Reply:I agree 100% that people tend not to be discerning enough in who they choose to form relationships with. The vast majority of the marriage problems here in Y!A never would have come up if people had been choosier. As a man who has been married for 21 years, I can unequivocally state that the "selection process" is crucial to a solid marriage. Certainly, it's not the only important thing, not even close, but its importance cannot be overstated.





Edit: Freudian, yes, Oedipal, no. Oedipal is a specific and relatively rare complex. However, it's funny you mentioned that, because my own response said nothing about marrying someone like one's opposite sex parent. Yet, I'm probably the only person who answered your question who has an MA in Psychology. Then again, I was never a big fan of Freudian psychology, lol.
Reply:This is an interesting question. Many people take comfort in the chaotic. As babies, our environment is key. In the first 3 years of life is when "Personality" is developed. Though I believe genetics play a large role in personality I also believe that people will seek out a mate that will tend to re-create the type of environment they had as infants to toddler hood. Whether it was chaotic, peaceful, or violent it brings a sense of normalcy and yes even comfort. I believe as babies it is natural and essential to experience a "bonding". How that bond is developed or lack there of will play a key role in personality and how the individual performs in society and choices in relationships that will most likely lead to the so called comforting normalcy as it was in the first three years of life.
Reply:I think for the most part people tend to unconsciously choose to hook up with people that are similar to their opposite sex parent....Also people tend to choose people based upon how they feel about themselves....If they feel that they are unworthy of true love...they will choose to be with someone who treats them like crap...If you have great self love and self respect you tend to be with people who will treat you with love and respect....
Reply:Amen to that. What a breath of fresh air.





I hate when a woman chooses a loser has children with the loser then cries about how unfair life is that the loser doesn't help her raise the children.





We as a society can either plead with losers to be resonsible OR we can teach people to avoid losers. Which option do you think has the greater chance of success?





I know what I will be teaching my daughter.
Reply:Women tend to pick men over and over that are most like their fathers.





Men tend to pick women that are similar to their mothers.





early in life, some people were not treated right, but this mistreatment gets confused as "love".....





That is why.
Reply:Yes I think people tend to be drawn to the same sort of people. I honestly believe I was only cheated on once and I've had too many long term relationships. Sorry to say I also cheated once. That marriage was doomed years before however. (still not a reason to cheat)
Reply:it takes two to tango(sometimes more;p )but if some one cheats i think the spouse has played a role in it whether or not they realize it is another matter
Reply:I think people tend to choose the same people over and over because they have not dealt with something in their own lives to stop them from this cycle. Such as self esteem issues, problems from old/past relationships, and poor role models displaying loving relationships.





Most people don't like change and until you can grow yourself and feel good about yourself and truely move on from the past you may never break the cycle of 'bad' relationships.
Reply:I completely agree. You always hear people on here whining about "My husband just had his fourth affair and now he wants to leave me. How can I get him back?" and I just want to slap them through the computer screen. If you allow people to take advantage of you, it's your own stupid fault if they do. I can see how someone might possibly forgive a spouse or significant other for having an affair once - if the spouse was truly sorry. (I'm not saying they SHOULD be forgiven, and I don't know if I could forgive in that situation, but I can at least understand it.) But if someone cheats on you twice, you're an idiot if you stay with them.
Reply:Unfortunately not as many people are as lucky as u to either of found men that didnt cheat on her or abuse her, or possibly, your to blind to see what was really going on behind ur back..





Blame is where it should be put..people make a wrong choices, but unfortunately for some, they dont realize the wrong choice until its to late..





Girls dont go out with guys on a first date and the guy says "hey in 5 years after 2 kids im gonna decide to cheat on you, and leave the kids to u and only pay child support when its convient for me, and be a father when its convient for me..will u marry me"?? thats not how it works.....





Or.. they go out and the guys says on the first date.. hey , after i lie to u tell u everything u want to hear, and do everything to make me seem like prince charming im going to manipulate u into controling you and trap you and then im gonna start beating the hell out of you, how that sound for a future????





And im not saying that in "some" cases there were red flags that people ignore.. but sometimes theres not, sometimes u dont see it till its right there in front of your face staring down at u and your suddenly wondering what happened to the perfect life u thought u had ..





Congrats to u for beating the odds, and i hope beyond hope that u never have someone crush ur heart, leave u and your kids crying, not for a couple days, but for yearsssssssssss.. and i hope u never find urself in a situation that u feel u have no way out of meanwhile someone is beating the hell out of u physically and mentally..





GOLF CLAP TO U FOR BEING SO FORTUNATE AND SO HOLYER THEN THOU ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE..
Reply:I agree with you that too many people do not take responsibility for their choices in life. That said, I will be the first to admit that I was a total loser magnet and that I made horrible choices with regard to men... especially when I was much younger. If we're lucky, with age and experience we become wiser and make better choices.
Reply:Val! Good morning! YES...I was just going to say that. I have read the same exact thing. It's like we keep trying to rectify those early mistakes over and over in our subconscious. And it's only until we realize that...that we can choose a different partner that is good for us.
Reply:This is a very good question!


People usually choose people they have been use to in the past.


They don't know how it feels to be treated any better%26gt;


For example it like a dog who gets kicked over and over, he know no difference, so when he gets adopted in a new home where he is showed kindness, he doesn't know how to respond. He is timid, and will not adjust well for a long time!
Reply:oh there are some people who definitely seek out the wrong people. it happens all the time. it's something deep in the subconscious that makes you attracted to those types of people. maybe it's a need to take care of someone, maybe it's they grew up in an abusive household and was taught this behavior is normal. i don't know what the reasons but it definitely happens!





i think it's along the same lines as a girl who dates an older man because she was abandoned by her father and has "daddy" issues. obviously these don't apply to all people but you'd be surprised how much what you see in your childhood can affect your life as an adult and you have no idea.


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